


Be Careful What You Wish For

by felineranger



Category: Labyrinth (1986), Red Dwarf
Genre: Humour, Parody, V mild slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: After Rimmer is mean about one of his favourite films, Lister makes a wish he will come to regret.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this fic in 2004. Last updated it on FF.net in 2005. And finished it today in January 2020.
> 
> I guess the moral of the story is - never give up on those WIPS, kids.

"It's a classic movie!" Lister insisted as the credits rolled.

"It's a kid's film, Lister. A kid's film with very dodgy special effects," Rimmer said patronisingly, "Obviously it's just about right for your mental age but I require something a little more sophisticated in my entertainment."

"Look, it's not about the plot," Lister told him, stopping the vid and standing up; "It's a modern fairy tale about responsibility, awakening sexuality and the importance of courage, loyalty and friendship!"

"Modern?! Lister, the film was almost two hundred years old before we even left Earth!"

"Okay, maybe not so modern then. But the rest is true. You can never see beneath the surface of anything, Rimmer. You take everything at face value!"

"And you're making up fatuous reasons for why you enjoy watching a children's film, because you can't admit it's because deep down you're a very immature person."

Rimmer stood up and brushed some imaginary dust off his uniform. "Now, I really have to go. I was meant to be in the cockpit five minutes ago." He walked out with his nose in the air.

Lister followed him out, crossly; "I wish the goblins would take _you_ away right now," he muttered, stomping back into his own quarters. There was a flash of light and suddenly a large white owl was flying around Lister's head. He yelped and waved it away, panicked. "What's going on?!"

The owl settled in the doorway and began to change shape. Slowly it grew upwards into a figure that Lister immediately recognised. "Hey!" he exclaimed, excited, "You're David Bow..."

"No, I'm not!" the figure snapped, cutting him off mid-sentence; "I am Jareth, the almighty King of the goblins and I don't look anything like...that man. What is it with you blasted humans?"

"Sorry," Lister said automatically, then shook himself as the words registered properly in his brain. "Wait a minute! You're just a character in a movie! You aren't real!"

"That's what we wanted you to think," Jareth smiled triumphantly.

"I'm sorry but I'm not buying this, man; no way," Lister insisted, backing away, "This is some kind of weird hallucination again, isn't it? I'm very prone to hallucinations." He paused, "In fact, we all are on this ship. We've had more weird hallucinations between us than you could shake a stick at!"

"If you don't believe me," Jareth said sweetly, "Then take a look next door. You will see that your companion is gone."

"Of course he's gone," Lister argued, "He went to the cockpit. I saw him go."

"He's not in the cockpit or anywhere else on this ship!" Jareth replied testily, "He's there in my castle!"

He stepped aside and, with a swirl of his cloak, the doorway of Lister's room no longer led out into Starbug's dark corridor. Instead it had become a gateway through which Lister could see a strange red-skied land. Taking up most of his field of vision was a vast maze. In the centre was a tall turreted castle. "You've got to be taking the smeg," he said weakly.

"I'm afraid not," Jareth smiled triumphantly, "You made the wish, David. I just granted it for you."

"But...I didn't think you were...I didn't mean..." Lister stammered desperately.

Jareth tutted sympathetically, "Spoke before thinking, did you? Such a pity. You humans do that so often."

"Wait a minute," Lister drew himself up as a thought struck him. He whirled around to face Jareth, "You have no power over me!"

Jareth folded his arms and stared back at him, unimpressed. "Did you really think we'd keep to that old routine after the movie? We'd never get anywhere! No; I changed that spell pretty sharpish, David."

"That's not fair!" Lister flared up. Jareth rolled his eyes and Lister flushed as he realised what he'd said. Just great. He wasn't any better at this than a teenage girl.

"You have thirteen hours to find your way through the Labyrinth and rescue your friend," Jareth told him, pointing to a strange twisted clock which had appeared beside them."Or he will become a goblin. And you will be trapped here forever."

Lister glared at him, "You suck. You know that?" He stomped away down the path and then turned around to shout back at him."And you look _exactly_ like David Bowie!"


	2. Chapter 2

Lister approached the high walls surrounding the Labyrinth with some trepidation. He knew from the film that he would have some difficulty finding the way in and cast his eye about for anyone nearby who might be able to help. There was no-one. After a good fifteen minutes scouring the surface for any hidden cracks or chinks that might reveal themselves as a door, he decided to use some good old-fashioned scouse initiative. He grabbed hold of some tough creepers and started climbing over.

He was about halfway up when an indignant voice behind him made him look down. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" There was a small angry-looking gnome staring at him.

"What does it look like?" he replied shortly.

"You can't do that! It's cheating!" the gnome piped up, its eyes flashing.

"So? Where were you when I wanted to get in the normal way?"

The gnome bristled and didn't answer his question; "Come down this instant!"

"No," Lister said; "If you want to give me a good telling-off then you can come in and do it on the other side. I'm going to need some directions anyway." He threw a leg over the wall and started climbing down the other side, ignoring the splutters of anger he could hear beneath him.

Sure enough, as he dropped down onto the ground, a large section of the wall swung open and the gnome came stamping in. "Ah, so there _was_ a door," Lister remarked. He eyed his companion, "And just how long were you hiding there watching me look for it? Fat lot of help you are."

"Not my job to help," the gnome sniffed."Anyhow, you didn't ask, did you? It's not right, climbing over the walls..."

"You weren't there to ask. How else was I supposed to get in? Now which way is the castle?"

"The others were never like this," the gnome muttered darkly. "Never at all."

"Yeah, well I bet you didn't help them either," Lister retorted.

He looked around himself to try and get his bearings. There was no indication of which way he should go next; both directions looked exactly the same. "Come on," he demanded. "Tell me which way I have to go!"

"Why should I?" the gnome snapped.

Lister narrowed his eyes, "Because I'm bigger than you." It wasn't a threat he got to use often and he was surprised at how satisfying it felt. "And if you don't tell me then I'm going to drop-kick you back over this damn wall!"

The gnome took a step backwards, "You can't talk to me like that!"

"Wanna bet?" Lister took a threatening step towards him.

"You know," the gnome folded his arms, "The usual way to get someone to help you is to ask nicely! Have you ever tried that?"

Lister paused. "Would it help?"

"It might."

"Fine," he sighed. "Could you please tell me which way the castle is from here?"

"No!" the gnome turned and stomped away quickly. It made a magical gesture and the wall swung open again.

"You little smegger!" Lister said indignantly.

"Yeah, well, next time try being polite!" the gnome shouted back, before the wall slammed shut behind it.

Lister seethed for a moment, then looked around again. As there was no basis for an alternative decision, he decided to just go right and see where he ended up.


	3. Chapter 3

The path wound away like a length of ribbon beneath Lister's feet. He kept one hand trailing along the wall as he went, searching for hidden openings that might be concealed to the naked eye. He knew that the castle was on his right, so that was the way he had to head; but first he had to find a path in that direction.

After a good fifteen minutes walk without any luck, he got frustrated. He turned around to go back the other way and was confronted with a wall that had suddenly appeared behind him, blocking the way he'd just come. "Hey!" He pushed at it but it didn't budge. "I don't believe this..." he muttered. He gave the wall an angry kick.

Two of the bricks suddenly swivelled and became a pair of eyes that glared at him. "Aargh!" Lister jumped backwards.

A mouth appeared beneath the eyes. "Don't know what you're yelling for," it said reproachfully. "You're not the one who's just been kicked."

"I'm sorry, man," Lister stammered. He was having a flashback to the last time he'd tried that marijuana gin. "I wasn't expecting you to be..." The wall rolled its eyes, indicating it had heard it all before and couldn't care less.

"Anyway," Lister tried to pull himself together, "you shouldn't have crept up behind me like that. I just wanted to get past."

"Kick everyone who gets in your way, do you? I don't know why I bother some days, I really don't."

Lister tried to speak, "Look, I need to find the way to the..."

"I mean just cause you're a wall, doesn't mean people have to treat you like you're just some...some bloody _obstruction_."

"Well, actually..."

"No respect, that's the problem. No respect whatsoever..."

"The castle!" Lister interrupted desperately. "Do you know how I can get to the castle?"

"Hmm? What? Oh, there's lots of ways. Too many to count."

"Okay, well, which way would you suggest I went right now?"

"Only one way you can go. There's a wall in front of you, in case you hadn't noticed."

"You're not going to move then?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, you moved just now to get here! I didn't walk through you!"

"How do you know you're not the one who's moved?"

Lister threw his hands up in despair, "I would have noticed if I'd...!" He looked behind him. The path was different. Suddenly there was a fork there that hadn't been there before. He sighed heavily. "This could give a person a headache." He turned back to the wall, "Which way do you think leads to the castle?"

"How would I know? I'm just a wall. Follow your heart or something."

"Thanks a lot, man," Lister said sarcastically, "You've been a real help." He walked away up the right-hand fork.

"Oh, sarcasm now, is it!" the wall shouted after him, "No bloody respect, I tell you! None at all!"


	4. Chapter 4

Lister followed the path uphill for a little while and kept his sense of direction as best he could for about half an hour, but it twisted and doubled back so many times that eventually he wasn't even sure which way he was facing anymore. Finally, after reaching another dead end, Lister sat down heavily with a frustrated huff. He was on the verge of giving up. Why the hell was he putting himself through all this for Rimmer anyway? He should have told Jareth he could keep the miserable git. But of course, in his heart, he knew he couldn't have done that; or give up now. Because it was his fault that Rimmer was in this mess.

He looked around hopelessly. He couldn't even see the castle anymore. He kicked angrily at the ground, cursing the fact he'd ever watched that bloody film in the first place. Suddenly, as he thought about the film, something occurred to him. He cast his eye about suspiciously. "You're watching me, aren't you?" he said, apparently to the air.

A mile or so away in his castle, Jareth – who was indeed peering into his crystal ball - blinked in surprise. "Well, just you wait, man!" the tiny figure of Lister within the orb snapped. "I'm doing great! I'm going to win this crappy game of yours and you can't stop me! I'm doing just fine!"

Newly invigorated by this rant, Lister threw back his shoulders and made off purposefully down the path. He'd only gone a few steps when the ground opened up beneath him and he disappeared with a yelp.

Jareth tutted and shook his head, "I suppose he didn't notice the trapdoor. Such a pity..." He looked around at the goblins surrounding him, "Well, laugh!"

Lister skidded helplessly down a long dirt tunnel, scrabbling uselessly with his hands and feet for something to interrupt his descent. He found nothing and after a few moments tumbled out into the daylight and hit the ground with a heavy thud. He moaned and for a second or two seriously considered the possibility of just staying where he was on the floor and throwing a full-blown tantrum. However, in the end he decided that, tempting though it was, he just didn't have the time. And he didn't want to give that smug blonde bastard the satisfaction, just in case he was watching. He dragged himself to his feet and dusted himself down with as much decorum as possible.

He was at the foot of a high stone wall. About eight feet up was a wide hole that must have been the exit of his unintentional shortcut. He hadn't even realised at the time that he'd been that high up. And now he had to find a way to work out exactly where he was.

"Took a wrong turn, did we?" sniggered an aggravatingly familiar voice behind him. He turned to see his old friend the gnome standing smugly beneath a tree. "Are you following me?" Lister demanded suspiciously.

"Pah!" the gnome said dismissively, "Got better things to do than tail around after a stroppy so-and-so like you, believe me! How do I know you're not following me?"

"Of course I'm not following...!" Lister forced himself to stop and took a deep breath, rubbing his temples; "Smeg, who can even tell in a screwed-up place like this?" he said mournfully. "For all I know we could have been following each other, or both following something else entirely!"

"My, aren't we the philosopher?" the gnome sneered. Lister glared at it venomously. "Anyway," it continued, scurrying backwards to put some distance between them, "No sense in hanging about here, is there, if we've both got places to be?"

"Where are you going?" Lister asked curiously.

"None of your business!"

"Do you even know your way around here, or are you lost too?"

"I know my way just fine! Born and brought up in this labyrinth, I was!"

"But it keeps changing! How can you possibly keep track?"

"Ah, you get used to its little tricks. I barely even notice."

"So..." Lister ventured cautiously, "you know which way the castle is from here?"

"Of course."

"If I asked nicely this time would you tell me?"

The gnome looked at him appraisingly. "Tell you what," he said eventually, "It's not quite possible to do things like that round here. You can give someone directions – left here, right a bit there – but it don't do much good because by the time they get there it could all be different, you see? But as it happens, we'll be going the same way for a bit. You can tag along for a while if you want. Can't take you all the way, mind. I've got things to do."

Lister let out a huge sigh of relief, "Thank you."

"There," the gnome said smugly, "That wasn't too hard, was it?"


	5. Chapter 5

"What's your name?" Lister asked curiously as they made their way along the path.

"Poggle," the gnome replied.

Lister thought about this. "I don't suppose you'd have a brother called Hoggle, by any chance?"

"No."

"Oh, well."

"Second cousin. How'd you know that?"

"Call it a hunch," Lister said airily. "My name's Dave. If you wanted to know."

"I already know."

Lister blinked in surprise, "How come?"

"It's all part of being a goblin. We know everything the king knows. At least...everything he wants us to know."

"What...Like telepathy?"

"Call it that if you want."

A thought pinged into Lister's mind. "So you know if my friend Rimmer's okay?" he asked eagerly.

"He's fine. For now. I'll say this for Jareth; he might be a bully, and his fashion sense has been stuck in the 1980's for far too long, but at least he always plays by the rules. Your friend will be safe unless time runs out." Poggle paused, apparently thinking. "He's not too happy with you right now though."

Lister grinned to himself, "He never is."

They were moving away from the wall now and into a thick patch of trees. Lister cleared his throat as politely as he could.

"A-hem...And you're er...absolutely sure you know where you're going, right, man?"

"Hey, I know this Labyrinth back to front and upside down! If you don't trust me you're quite welcome to go back to finding your own way!"

"Okay, okay! I only asked."

He made sure to keep Poggle in sight as they crept through the shady darkness of the trees. He most definitely did not want to get lost in here. "Just so I know," he said nervously, "there's nothing...dangerous...in these woods, is there?"

"Hah! If you didn't want danger you've come to the wrong place," the gnome scoffed. "But if it'll make you feel better I'll say this at least – You're in no more danger here than you were before."

"Thanks," Lister said dryly.

He looked at his watch. He'd already used up three hours just getting to this point. At least he was on the right track now but he was worried about what would happen when Poggle left him to make his own way. That was...if he could trust Poggle at all...

"How many have there been?" he asked curiously."People like me, I mean? How often does this happen?"

"Not as often as you might think," Poggle said. "The thing with Jareth is that he's fascinated by humans, see? He watches them all the time. But he can't get involved unless someone says the right words, like you did. And that happens less and less now. We haven't had someone like you here for a long time. I would watch your back, because Jareth's going to be excited – and he's going to want to win this one."

"He doesn't always win then?"

"Of course not. You should know that. You saw the film."

"So...what happened in the film is all true?" Lister asked in surprise.

"Yep. Ludo wrote it all down in his autobiography and sold the rights to Hollywood."

"What?"

"Under a pseudonym, of course. Jareth wasn't very happy when they cast David Bowie to play him."

"Hmm...I got that impression too. So..."

"WAAAAH!"

"What was that?" Lister squeaked, looking around frantically.

"Oh God!" Poggle threw up his hands, "Not them!"

"What? What? Are they dangerous?"

"No!" Poggle groaned, shaking his head in dismay, "They're going to _sing_ at us!"

A hyperactive ball of pink and red feathers leapt out from the undergrowth, laughing; and was followed by several others. "Hey, what's this?" One of them poked Lister, "I can't believe my eyes!" To prove the point, the creature then pulled them out and tossed them to one of its companions, cackling hysterically.

Lister grinned, "Wow! So you guys are real too?"

"As real as it gets, baby," said another one, leaping up onto Lister's shoulders.

Poggle grabbed its foot and pulled it down again, but was left holding a leg. "Ugh!" He tossed it back to the offending creature "I hate it when they do that!"

"I think it's cool!" Lister said brightly, plucking the head off one and staring with interest at the empty neck.

"Hey! Put me back!" the head ordered.

"Sorry," Lister complied.

"And we're not staying to hear a song either!" Poggle snapped, "We've got places to be!"He turned to leave and was confronted by an upside-down pink face in front of his. "Argh!"

"You should lighten up! Take the weight off your feet, man!" the creature told him, hopping off its own feet and throwing them over its shoulder.

Lister was staring at two of them with a thoughtful expression, "I don't know why," he said, "But there's something very familiar about you guys..."

"We're going," Poggle said firmly, grabbing the bottom of Lister's shirt and dragging him away.

The Fierys followed them for a little way, jumping around their feet and doing tricks, but eventually they got bored and disappeared back into the forest. "Good riddance," snapped Poggle, "Stupid creatures."

"Well, I like them," Lister said, "I think they're kind of funny."

"They're not so funny when they get over excited and start trying to pull your head off!"

"They couldn't actually do it, could they?"

"No. But they'd have a go."

Lister sighed and looked around, "So where are we now?"

"Still in the forest, I'm afraid. We've got a bit of a walk ahead of us."


	6. Chapter 6

After a long wearisome journey through the dark, the trees began to thin out as they passed out of the thickest part of the forest. Soon, between the trunks, Lister began to see the sprawl of the goblin city in the near distance. His spirits rose; but only marginally. He may have been back on the right track but it also meant that soon Poggle would be leaving him to make his own way, and it was a moment he was dreading. He was becoming less and less sure that he could do this on his own. He needed to try and think of a way he could convince Poggle to stay with him.

Up in his tower in the castle, Jareth was watching Lister's progress in the crystal ball. He drummed his gloved fingers against the table with a frown. They were already within three leagues of the castle. Damn his traitorous subjects! Wasn't anyone in this place loyal to their king? How did they always manage to find someone who would help them? Didn't the threat of the Bog of Eternal Stench mean _anything_ anymore?

He'd given the order for the annoying man in the shiny blue suit to be locked away in the topmost tower. It would at least buy him some time; Lister would still have to find him when he reached the castle - and aside from anything else Jareth had got sick of listening to him demanding to see a lawyer - but that wasn't enough to safely secure his victory. With Lister already drawing close to the city, action was clearly needed. And he knew just what to do.

Back in the forest, Lister was trying to think of a way he could get Poggle to stick with him on this quest. As he stumbled after the gnome, tripping over tree roots and creepers as he went, he decided to test the water. "So...er...Poggle..." he said conversationally, "you in a great rush to get to...wherever it was you were going?"

"Oh, at the rate we're going I think I should get there in plenty of time," Poggle replied airily. "Don't worry about me."

"Ah, well," Lister said awkwardly, "the thing is, man, I'm not sure that I..."

He stopped speaking as a bubble floated serenely by his face. He paused to watch as it bobbed past, the sunlight casting glossy rainbows over its delicate surface. "You're not sure that what?" Poggle asked up ahead, not realising that Lister had stopped. The bubble drifted up towards the tree tops but when Lister looked down he realised there were more – all of them dancing lightly through the trees to pirouette around him, their colours glowing in the late afternoon light like Christmas tree baubles. He couldn't take his eyes off them...they were so beautiful.

"I _said_..." Poggle said irritably, turning round at last, "You're not sure that..." He spotted the bubbles and froze, "Oh no! Don't move!"

"What?" Lister asked dreamily, "You don't like them?" He reached up lazily with one hand, "I think they're lovely..."

"DON'T TOUCH THEM!" Poggle shouted desperately. But it was too late.

As Lister's fingertips touched the frail gossamer surface, the bubble popped, releasing a light shower of golden sparkles and then he was falling; down, down, down into a warm blissful darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

Lister opened his eyes and looked around himself in confusion. He was standing in a huge golden hall, the walls and ceilings dripping with frescoes and carvings. At one end of the room was a roaring fireplace. He looked down at himself, perplexed. He was dressed in a silk shirt embroidered with fine silver thread that glimmered in the candlelight, and tight black velvet trousers. These weren't his clothes! He would never buy an outfit like this, let alone wear it! It would show all the curry stains!

He turned and saw behind him there was a ridiculously long banqueting table, big enough for two hundred people. Jareth was sitting in the enormous throne-like chair at its head, smiling at him. Lister took a step backwards. This was all wrong! He hadn't come here! And why was everything so...hazy? It was like the air itself was shimmering somehow. It made him feel dizzy. "What's going on?" he said weakly.

Jareth stood up and walked over to him, holding two tall silver goblets, "Would you like a drink?" he asked sweetly, offering him one.

Lister ignored it; he had more important things on his mind. "What am I doing here?" he demanded.

Jareth blinked, "You came as my guest, of course. Here, have some wine."

"But I didn't!" Lister said, "I was...!" He paused suddenly, confused. "I was doing something," he said blankly. "Something important...I don't have time to..."

"Nonsense!" Jareth said cheerfully, "You have all the time in the world, if you want it. And I'm sure if it was that important you would remember, wouldn't you? Come. Come sit with me." He pulled him over to the table and sat him down.

Lister touched the wood surface tentatively, almost expecting it to ripple like water under his touch. Nothing seemed quite real here. Jareth placed the goblet down in front of him, "Drink up."

"I don't understand," Lister said, staring at it."Why can't I remember how I got here?"

"You're just tired," Jareth said sympathetically. "Thirsty too, I expect. Just relax and everything will be fine."

Reluctantly, Lister picked up his glass and stared at his reflection on the surface of the dark wine within. It rippled disconcertingly. He put it down again and saw a flicker of annoyance cross Jareth's face; although it was gone in a flash and replaced by a charming smile. "Perhaps we should drink a toast?"

"To what?" Lister asked.

"I have a proposition for you. An extremely generous proposition. I can't imagine you'd say no, so perhaps we should drink to it now."

"What kind of proposition?"

"It's very simple really," Jareth smiled, "I want to make you a prince. Heir to my throne and my kingdom."

"What?" Lister stared at him.

"You will never want for anything again. This castle will be your home. Everything you've ever wanted...or dreamed of...will be yours."

Lister looked into his glass and saw images reflected back as if in a ruby mirror. Images of wealth and power. Delicious food, beautiful clothes, servants attending to his every whim, a seat on the throne beside Jareth. It all looked...amazing. But something held him back. "I don't know..." he said hesitantly.

Jareth blinked in surprise, "What do you mean?"

"It's not really...Well, it's not really me," Lister confessed.

"What are you talking about?" Jareth snapped, "Who wouldn't want to be a prince?"

"I'm just not really into the whole money and power thing," Lister said uncomfortably, "I don't think I would like having servants attend to my every whim. I'd rather attend to my own whims, if that's okay."

"But you could have everything you've ever wanted!" Jareth exclaimed, "Think of everything you've never had!" Jareth made a sweeping gesture and Lister turned slowly.

Piled in front of the fireplace was a small mountain of gifts and toys. There was the motorbike he'd dreamed about since he was twelve years old, all sweet black leather and glowing silver chrome. The beautiful electric guitar he'd never been able to afford. Every Christmas and birthday present he'd never got, right down to the Hungry Hippos game he'd wanted when he was six.

"You see," Jareth said softly as he stared in amazement. "It's so easy. It's all right there. And it can all be yours if you just say yes and take a sip from your glass."

"But..." Lister protested softly.

"Go on, David. It will only take a moment and then you can live happily ever after. Just one little sip..."

"But," Lister turned away from the heap to face Jareth, "it's all just _stuff_."

Jareth almost staggered, "Just stuff?" he repeated, scandalised.

"They're just things! They're not important! They're...they're silly!" Lister backed away, shaking his head. "And they're not enough to buy what you want from me!"

"What are you talking about?" Jareth contrived to sound innocent, "I'm making an extremely generous offer! I've asked nothing from you."

"Yeah, it all sounds wonderful!" Lister snapped, "Until you read between the lines that is! A prince still has to answer to somebody, don't they? And that person is the King! You want somebody to order about that's not just another local peasant who's been brought up to fear you! You want a trophy servant! A human!" The thought struck Lister like lightning. "And I'm the only one left..." he realised weakly.

Jareth glowered at him. "I would think that you'd be honoured that I should choose one of your species to inherit my kingdom."

"Considering that you're immortal," Lister said, "all that adds up to is a lifetime of servitude as your second-in-command."

"Love, loyalty and obedience are not much to ask for in return for what I'm offering you, David." Jareth said coldly.

"That's where you're wrong," Lister replied stiffly, "They're just about the most valuable things a person can give. And you can't buy mine with toys!"

He threw his goblet aside, spilling the dark red wine across the flagstones. Jareth scowled and threw back his cloak in a rage. The walls around them shook and it seemed to Lister that the room spun, whirled and shattered, then sucked itself back together. It took Lister a few moments to steady himself but, when he did, he saw that Jareth looked flustered. "This is all an illusion, isn't it?" Lister realised, "This whole room...This whole space we're occupying...None of it's real. It's only you holding it all together and you just had a little slip, didn't you?"

"Silence!" Jareth thundered.

Lister looked around himself desperately, dismissing the King's fury. "But if I'm not really here then...where the hell am I?"

"You're trapped in the In-Between," Jareth seethed. "Yield to me and I will set you free. If not, I will leave you here forever in the abyss between reality and magic and watch you go insane!"

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Lister saw movement. Where the wine had spilled across the floor, it had spread out to form a large, glossy scarlet mirror. And in that mirror there were figures. There was life.

"Do you yield?" Jareth snarled. Reflected in the wine, Lister saw himself lying as if in a deep sleep among a thicket of trees, and a small gnome kneeling beside him, shaking him. He blinked. That seemed...familiar. What did it mean? The picture rippled away to be replaced by another face. A worried face, with a curious H in the middle of the forehead, studying a wristwatch with fearful eyes. It also seemed familiar, but in a different way. Something about it made him feel...almost homesick. He saw the figure sigh and mouth the words, "Lister, where are you?"

"Yield to me, David! I will not ask again!" Jareth warned. Lister ignored him. There was something here...Some piece of the puzzle that would make everything fit. Kneeling down, he reached out to touch the glistening surface of the wine, as if it could somehow connect him with the person it showed. His fingers disappeared into the slick crimson wash...and kept going. It made his whole arm tingle. He gasped.

Jareth saw what he was doing and went pale, "Wait!" he commanded, but his voice held fear and Lister paid no attention. He was entirely focused on the vision before him; the man he couldn't quite place and couldn't quite reach. His arm slid in up to his elbow but it still wasn't far enough. "Stop!" Jareth thundered, "I order you!"

Lister stared at the face before him. He was so close, the recognition was seething at the back of his brain but he just couldn't pull it forth. And suddenly, he felt a hand grab his, take a firm lock on his fingers and then reality broke over him like a wave and he understood; he remembered everything! And he just had time to shout out in triumph, "Rimmer!" before the hand pulled him sharply and he was yanked down through the ruby mirror and everything went black.


	8. Chapter 8

He opened his eyes blearily and after a few seconds of everything spinning, he managed to focus and saw Poggle’s face above him, surrounded by trees.“You’re awake!” Poggle said, obviously relieved, “I was beginning to think that....Waaah!”He was cut off mid-sentence as Lister reached out to grab the front of his shirt and yank him down towards him so they were nose to nose.“ _How long was I out for?_ ” 

“Not long!Not long!Calm down!” Poggle struggled away, straightening his clothes, “Only about twenty minutes or so.”

Lister sighed with relief, “Thank God.What happened, man?I don’t remember!”

“Let’s just say that from now on you should follow the good old rule of ‘Look but don’t touch’, hmmm?” Poggle said sternly.“Don’t go near anything that looks like it might be magic.In fact, you should try not to go near _anything_ much until you get back to your own world.”

“He tried to put a spell on me!” Lister said indignantly, “He tried to make me drink this weird stuff that would turn me into his servant!”

“Did you drink any?” Poggle asked anxiously.

“No,” Lister said proudly, “I worked him out.I threw it on the floor.”

“Good for you,” Poggle said dryly.“Maybe you’re not as dumb as you look.” 

Lister glowered at him and climbed to his feet.“We’d better start moving.I don’t want to waste any more time”p

“Good idea.And I think maybe I’d better stick with you.You seem to get into trouble when left to your own devices.”

“I thought you had somewhere to be?” Lister reminded him cautiously.Even though it was a suggestion he’d been praying for, he didn’t want to come across as totally needy and useless. 

“It’s not urgent,” Poggle replied, “and this seems bad.Jareth doesn’t often play dirty.It worries me.I think it would be best if I stay; he must really be out to get you.”

“If he wasn’t before, he will be now.”Lister remembered the fury on the king’s face as his plan unravelled.“Thank you,” he added awkwardly.

“Don’t mention it.”

In his throne room, Jareth watched the two of them continue on down the path in the reflection of the crystal ball, then glanced at the clock through narrowed eyes.Time was running short, but not short enough.If the human could not be discouraged or thwarted, tricked or bought, then it was time for more... forceful measures. 

“How far is it to the castle from here?” Lister’s voice drifted up from the crystal.

“Just a few more miles.Don’t worry, we can make it.”

“And make it here you shall, David,” Jareth purred.He lifted the crystal to eye height with a dangerous smile.“I’ll even speed your journey.I’ll arrange for a little lift.”His self-satisfied laugh echoed in the empty hall.

Before long, Lister and Poggle were leaving the shelter of the trees behind, and the path before them wound down a long grassy hillside.Below them, Lister could see the high gates of the goblin city and the tangled streets that still stood between them and the castle.He swallowed hard.Even if he got to the castle, even if he got in, he still had to find Rimmer. 

“Have you ever been in the castle?” he asked Poggle.“I mean, do you know your way around?”

“No, but it can’t be that complicated.Dungeons below, bedrooms above, kitchens and dining room in the middle sort of thing.”

“Is my friend in the dungeons?”

“It would make sense.”

“Don’t you know?I thought you had that whole goblin telepathy thing?”

“Jareth’s shut down.He knows you’ve got help.”

“Smeg.”Lister looked over at the castle.“If Rimmer’s in the dungeons, he’s going to be _fuming_.”As he watched, a flock of large black birds took flight dramatically from one of the towers.

“That’s really what you’re concerned about right now?You don’t have long left.”

“Listen, even if I win this game of Jareth’s and get us out of here, I can guarantee you I will never hear the end of this.”

Poggle raised an eyebrow.“You sure you actually want to rescue him?”

Lister smiled wistfully.“Yeah.He may be a smeghead, but...he’s _my_ smeghead, you know?”

“Not really.”

The birds skimmed across the city and through the clear air towards them.“If I’m honest, I don’t really understand how the whole thing works,” Poggle went on.“It’s always the same, everyone like you who comes through here.You’re all here because you said the words; because you wanted someone taken away.Then when it happens you bust a gut trying to get them back.”

“I didn’t _mean_ it.”

“So why’d you say it?”

“I was on a spaceship, Poggle!I didn’t think there was any remote possibility of him actually going anywhere.I certainly didn’t expect the Goblin King to open an inter-dimensional portal and spirit him away!”

“So, why’d you _say_ it?” Poggle repeated.

Lister sighed heavily.“Because sometimes people say things they don’t mean.”

“You humans take too much for granted, that’s your trouble.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

Lister cast another anxious glance towards the castle.He stopped.“Um, Poggle?”

“What?”

“Speaking of taking things for granted, I was kind of taking it for granted that those birds over there were nice normal-sized average birds,” Lister said nervously.“But they’re getting closer and I’m starting to think differently.”

Poggle craned his neck upwards and let out a squawk of alarm.“Oh no!Necrosyrtes!”

“What?!”

“ _Run!!!_ ”

Poggle spun around and headed back the way they’d come, as fast as his small legs would go.“Hurry!” he yelled to Lister.“Try and get to the trees!Get some cover!”

Lister followed, but they were both too late.Within moments there were huge tattered black wings beating above and around them and they were surrounded.

Lister swiped uselessly at the things, trying to keep them at bay, but they just laughed.In the snatched glimpses he got of their faces between the thrashing wings, he saw they weren’t true birds at all, but vulture-like goblins.Their scaly black claws snatched at him.“Hey!Get off!Leave me alone!”

“We’re taking you to the castle!” One cawed gleefully.

“What?!”

“We’re taking you to the king!” Another screeched.

“And he’s going to lock you up, up, up, like a little bird in a cage!” 

The Necrosyrtes all cackled wickedly as they grabbed him, their claws locking around his arms and shoulders and lifting him off the ground.“No!” His legs kicked in the empty air.

“Stop that!” Poggle raged.“Put him down, you filthy flying rats!”He was knocked off his feet by one sweep of a dirty black wing.

“Poggle, help!” Lister squealed as he was lifted up into the air, but it was too late.Within moments he was high above the treetops, dangling terrifyingly from the Necrosyrtes claws as they swept him away across the city and towards the castle.


	9. Chapter 9

Lister screwed his eyes shut tight, trying hard not to think about the dizzying drop beneath him, but for all that the flight was terrifying it was also mercifully brief.Within minutes he felt the Necrosyrtes dropping in altitude and, before he knew it, he was dropped onto the hard flagstones of the castle battlements.The relief of being back on firm ground was short-lived.

“I trust you had a pleasant flight.”He looked up to see Jareth lounging smugly against a gargoyle.The goblin guards around him laughed dutifully.

“You’re not funny!” Lister pulled himself angrily to his feet, rubbing his arms where the claws had bruised them.He faced Jareth squarely. “Give me the smeghead.”

“It’s not going to be that simple, I’m afraid.”

“You cheating git, I can’t believe you pulled this Wicked Witch of the West baloney, sending your flying minions to kidnap me!Even your evil schemes are totally clichèd!”

Jareth bristled, “They’re not flying _monkeys_ , are they?So it’s not the same thing.”

“You know your problem, man?” Lister snapped furiously.“You’re _stale_.How long have you been playing this same boring game with humanity?Thousands of years?Millions?You’ve not got a single original thought left in your head, have you?You can’t even be bothered to play the game out to the end anymore.”

“Silence!” Jareth thundered. 

He walked over to Lister, so they were toe to toe.“Foolish little mortal.Rage and stamp your feet all you want.I brought you here to offer you my mercy.”

“Mercy?” Lister repeated sceptically.

“A deal.”Jareth twirled his hand and a goblet appeared in it.He offered it to Lister.“Drink.Become my prince.Rule with me.And I will stop the clock and spare your friend.”

“I’ve still got two hours left.”

“And you’ll spend it locked in my tower, if you so choose.The clock will strike, your friend will become one of my goblin subjects, and you will be trapped here for eternity as my captive human pet; a toy for my amusement.”

“I will _not_ surrender.”Lister’s eyes flashed defiantly.

“Not even to save your friend?”

Lister hesitated.After all, this wasn’t just about him.Rimmer was trapped here too, and facing a fate potentially even worse than either of the alternatives Jareth was offering him.He looked down into the goblet, and reflected in the enchanted wine he saw once again all the riches the Goblin King could offer.“It can all be yours, David,” Jareth coaxed.“Just one sip and you can bid farewell to the cold depths of space; to hunger, to cold, to loneliness.Drink, and life becomes a fairytale.Drink, and live all your dreams.”

“And spend forever as your acolyte,” Lister glared at him.

“It’s only forever,” Jareth told him soothingly.“Not long at all.”

Lister closed his eyes and took a deep breath.Jareth smiled like a wolf.Then Lister opened his eyes and said quietly but firmly, “You have no power over me.”

The smile disappeared from Jareth’s face.He stepped back.“Pride and hope are making you rash.I will come to you again before the end, and give you one last chance to change your mind.Until then, you can ponder your choices in the tower.Guards!Take him away!”

The goblins surrounded Lister with their spears and poked and prodded him into the castle, up a flight of spiral stone stairs, and around a curved corridor to a heavy wooden door.They shoved him through into a plain room, just a bed and a wide arched window that looked out over the city far below.

Lister spun to confront Jareth.“This isn’t over, man.I’m going to find him.This room can’t hold me, and the castle’s only so big!”

“Oh, I can tell you exactly where your friend is,” Jareth told him.“He’s on the other side of the tower.Just on the other side of this wall, in fact.But there’s three feet of solid stone between you.You won’t be able to reach each other, or hear each other, and there are guards outside both your doors.”He smiled pityingly and waved a hand.The twisted clock reappeared, hanging in the air of the room, the hands steadily ticking down to the thirteenth hour.“And so your quest ends, David.So near, yet so far.Such a pity.”He backed away laughing as the guards slammed and locked the door.

Lister said a bad word and looked for something to throw, but the room was annoyingly bare.He went instead to the dividing wall and pounded on it.“Rimmer!Rimmer, can you hear me?”Nothing.“If you can hear me then switch to soft light!Walk through the wall to me!”He waited.Nothing.

Lister sagged against the wall and stared morosely at the ticking clock.“It’s not over,” he said aloud under his breath.“Not yet.There’s still time.I just need to think.I just need to think of something...”

Back down in the great hall, Jareth settled contentedly onto the throne and peered into the crystal in his hand.He watched Lister slump against the wall, and grinned a triumphant grin.He looked down at the goblin courtiers.“The game is all but won!This calls for a celebration!Bring music, drink, food!”The goblins cheered and rushed to oblige.

“In one hour and forty-three minutes, you’ll be mine,” Jareth told Lister’s reflection greedily.“You’ll _both_ be mine.”

As the goblins partied down below, Lister paced the tower room like an agitated zoo animal, watching the clock tick down ever further.He’d scoured the room for any kind of escape route - a laundry hatch, a dumb waiter, _anything_ \- but without success.The tower was too high for a bedsheet rope getaway, and even if he could climb out onto the roof, the turret was isolated.

Frustrated, he pounded on the door.“Oi!Let me out!”

“Never!” One of the guards on the other side cawed back.

“Come on!Open the door!”

“It’s not allowed!” A different voice replied.

Lister gritted his teeth, racking his brains for an argument, and took inspiration from the subject of his quest.“I hope you realise that this is a violation of fire safety regulations!”

There was muffled muttering from the other side of the door.“What regulations?” the second voice asked.

“In accordance with Space Corps directive....84638...” Lister pulled a number out of the air, “...point two,” he added for increased authenticity, “access to fire exits must be maintained at all times.”

There was further muttering behind the door.“Okay,” the first voice agreed.“In the event of a fire, we’ll open the door.”

Lister cursed silently.So much for that tactic.“This is ridiculous,” he protested.“What do I do if I need the toilet?”

“Go in the corner,” the first goblin said.

“That’s disgusting.I’m not an animal!”

“Then go out the window,” the second guard advised.

“I’m not gonna go out the...” Lister suddenly paused and thought for a second, “...window.”

He left the door, crossed the room, and leaned out of the glassless portal.The drop down to the city below was horrifying.Jumping was not an option.But... _He’s on the other side of the tower.Just on the other side of this wall, in fact._

Lister narrowed his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

Down in the great hall, the party was in full swing.The goblins were carousing with raucous abandon, and when the sentry entered he had to shout to be heard.“Your Highness!Your Highness!”

Jareth looked up from his flagon irritably.“What?What is it?”

“There’s some people here to see you.”

“Send them away.”

“I don’t think they’ll listen, Sire.”

“What do you mean, they won’t listen?”

“It’s just that...”

The doors to the hall slammed open, and a contingent of goblins of all shapes and sizes walked in, including one face which Lister would have found very familiar.At the head of the group was a furious Poggle.

Jareth leapt to his feet, “What is the meaning of this?” he thundered.The noise of the party was immediately hushed.

“We demand an audience!” Poggle snapped.

“Demand?Demand?!”

“We represent the citizens of the Goblin City and wider Labyrinth area, and we have grievances to air.”

“Yeah!Grievances!” bellowed Ludo.

Jareth looked at him with stunned outrage.“You brought _him_?”

“Say what you like, but he opens all kinds of doors.Even if it means pulling them off the hinges.”

“I tried to stop them, Sire!” the sentry quaked.

Jareth took a deep breath to compose himself and smiled thinly.“And what grievances would these be?”

“We’re sick of your petty games with the humans.Ordinary goblin folk just trying to go about their business keep getting drawn into this mess and it always ends badly.”

“Perhaps some goblins need to learn to mind their own business and not get involved,” Jareth replied icily.

“You’re giving us all a bad name!Besides, how many times has the city been thrown into uproar over this?Soldiers tearing through the streets, stalls upended, cannonballs flying, as you try and thwart whatever hapless human comes through?”

“Listen...”

“To make matters worse, you’re not even playing fair anymore!So why bother?”

“Excuse me?What are you insinuating?”

“You cheated!You sent those blasted buzzards to snatch David and lock him away as soon as he started getting too close for comfort.”

“Cheating bad!” Ludo roared.

Jareth squirmed with discomfort.“It’s not cheating.The only rules I set were that he had to find his friend within the time given.You can’t break the rules if there _are_ no rules.”

“And winning a game played in bad faith is no victory.You are our king!If you cannot best a mere mortal in a fair challenge why should we continue to follow you?Why should any of us serve you?”

A dark murmur went around the chamber.Jareth looked around himself nervously.“I can best any mortal, human or otherwise.”

“Then prove it.”Poggle pointed to the clock.“There’s fifteen minutes left.Free David and see if he can find his smeghead.”

“But I already told him where the blasted man is!”

“So?”

“You don’t understand,” Jareth snapped, snatching up his crystal and shoving it in Poggle’s face.“He’s in the bloody room next door!I can’t just let him out, all he’s got to do is walk around the corner.”

Poggle squinted at the crystal, “Where?”

“What do you mean ‘where’?”

“I can’t see him in there.Is there an alcove or something?”

“What?” Jareth bent down and peered into the crystal too.“Where’s he gone???”

“Looks like he bested you after all.”

“Shut up.”Jareth spun the crystal.“Show me David.”

The image in the crystal fogged and then cleared.The goblins all edged closer, gathering around in suspense as the reflection came back into focus.

“Ah, there he is,” Poggle said, relieved.“I’m glad he’s....OH DEAR GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING???”

Lister swung one cautious foot over the windowsill and placed it on the narrow ledge circling the tower.It felt sturdy.Clinging on for dear life, he swung the other foot over too.The ledge held.His heart was pounding in his throat.“Ohsmegohsmegohsmegohsmeg....” he whispered desperately under his breath.He screwed his eyes shut. 

- _I can’t do this._

_-You’ve only got minutes left._

_-I’m gonna fall, I’m gonna fall, I’m gonna fall._

_-This is your only shot.Fall or fail, it’s bad either way, but better dead than smeg, right?_

_-Aaaaaarrrrggghh._

_-The ledge is wide enough.It’s sturdy enough.It’s only a matter of metres.Just move quickly and carefully and don’t look down.You can do this.You’ve done any number of space walks with an infinite drop beneath you and never freaked out._

_-With a safety harness!And the thing about an infinite drop is there’s no ground to hit.Right here and now there’s a very bad mix of ground and gravity._

_-So go back inside.Wait for the clock to strike, and lose everything._

- _No._

_-Then **move**._

Holding onto the ivy adorning the walls, and digging his fingers into every crack in the stone he could find, Lister began to edge his way around the outside of the tower. _Just keep moving.Every inch is an inch closer.Keep going._

He could feel the wind ruffling his hair and shirt, whistling through the ivy.He stared steadfastly at the wall in front of his face.His legs were trembling. _You’re okay.You’re okay.You’re o-_

The ivy in his right hand came away from the wall.His heart lurched.His stomach flipped.He gripped tight with his left hand and froze solid, his right hand scrambling for purchase. _Keep your balance.Don’t look down.Do.Not.Look.Down._

His right hand found some sturdy creepers and he grabbed them, pressing his body tight to the wall, breath hitching, eyes filling with tears. 

- _Keep moving, the ledge might not hold your weight in one place for too long.Keep going._

_-I can’t!_

_- **Move!**_

Shaking from head to toe now, Lister shuffled onward to his right.His mind was blank.He couldn’t focus on anything except the careful steady progress of his feet, step by step by step.And then suddenly, his searching right hand found a corner.He held his breath and risked turning his head a fraction to the right.It was the windowsill.

He’d done it.He’d smegging done it.Grasping the ledge, he shuffled the last few inches until he could grab hold with both hands, then with a final effort he heaved himself up and dragged himself over the ledge and tumbled down into the room, his body on fire with adrenaline.

Down in the hall, the watching goblins let out a cheer, whooping and dancing with relief.“Hey!” Jareth bellowed.“Stop that!You’re meant to be on my side!”They hushed sheepishly.

Poggle sank down, clutching his face.“Oh my _gooood_.I knew he was dumb, but not that dumb.”

“Ludo stressed,” the large goblin groaned, rubbing his head soothingly.

“ _Lister?!_ ”At the sound of the familiar voice, Lister stopped embracing the floor and sat bolt upright.Rimmer was standing before him, his face a picture of shock.“How did you get here?”

Lister bounded to his feet, beaming.“Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered!”He threw his arms around the still bewildered Rimmer.“I’m so glad to see you, man!Are you alright?”

“I mean, yes, I suppose,” Rimmer moved back awkwardly, “but that still doesn’t answer my question.Where did you come from?How did you get in here?”

“Don’t ask.I’ll tell you everything later after I’ve had some extensive therapy from the medi-bot.”

“But how...”

Rimmer’s voice trailed off as Jareth’s clock materialised before them.The hands were at five minutes to thirteen.Lister held his breath.“I found you.I found you, that was the deal.Is there something else I need to do, something I need to say?”

The clock answered his question.The hands began to spin crazily backwards, chiming in reverse.The room around them began to fade.Lister grabbed hold of Rimmer’s hand as reality dissolved around them.“Don’t let go!” he shouted.“I’m not losing you again!”

“Lister,” Rimmer’s voice echoed back in the mist, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I just want to say... I know this is all your fault somehow.”


	11. Chapter 11

Lister and Rimmer hung suspended in the nothingness of a twinkling silver mist.Lister kept a tight wary hold of Rimmer’s hand.“Where are we now?” he complained.

“I dunno,” Lister replied, looking around curiously.

“That’s helpful.Thank you.”

“There’s not exactly any signposts.I’m no wiser than you, okay?”

“So what do we do?”

“Just wait, I guess.Something’s happening, we just have to...”

A billowing white shape started to take form before them, gradually transforming into the image of the Goblin King, draped in ethereal wispy robes.He floated towards them in a cloud of glitter, and Lister saw he was hovering inside a huge bubble, similar to the ones he’d sent to trap him in the forest.

“You again!” Rimmer squawked.“I thought I’d seen the back of you and your ridiculous haircut, miladdo.”

Lister faced his adversary, unblinking.“The game is over.I win.Send us back.”

“I told you I would come to you before the end,” Jareth said.“My offer still stands.Your friend is safe, I can return him to your ship.But you could stay.”He reached out and touched the surface of the bubble with one white-gloved hand.“Just reach through and take my hand, and feel all your troubles melt away.No more grey walls, no more cramped living quarters, no more hard toil.You never have to fix another ship, or lie awake worrying about what waits for you in the darkness of infinity.Just days and nights filled with beauty and magic, and everything a prince could ever desire.”

“Is he coming on to you?” Rimmer asked indignantly.Lister gave his hand a brief squeeze to silence him.

“You can’t give me what I truly desire,” he said to Jareth.“But thank you for the offer, even though I know you’re not really doing it for me.And, in a strange way, thank you for all of this.Crazy though it’s been, I think I learned some valuable lessons.”

“Don’t _thank_ him!” Rimmer spluttered.“Maybe you’ve been having a ball out there in Wonderland, or wherever the smeg we are, but I’ve had a lousy day.I’ve been kidnapped by a bunch of extremely rude ugly children and spent hours locked in a tower.And I _still_ don’t know what’s going on.How come Ziggy Stardust here is trying to lure you into his bubble like some perv tempting a kid into his van with sweets?How come no-one’s offering _me_ everything I desire?”

Jareth turned to Lister with a pained expression.“Are you _really_ sure he’s worth it?”

Lister couldn’t help but smile.“Yeah,” he said, and linked his fingers more tightly through Rimmer’s.Rimmer looked down in surprise.“Believe it or not, I am.And one of the things this has taught me is not to take anything - including him - for granted.”

“There’s nothing more I can say to convince you?”

“Nothing.Please.I just want to go home.Send us home.”

“But...”

“You heard the man!Get on with it!” Lister heard the shrill echo of Poggle’s voice in the distance, and grinned. 

Jareth looked round, annoyed, “Yes, yes, alright.Fine.”

“Send home!” A deeper voice boomed.

“Okay, I’m _doing_ it!”

“Is that...?” Lister’s smile widened.

The top of Poggle’s head appeared at the edge of the bubble.“So long!Stay out of trouble!”

“Bye Poggle!Thanks for everything!I hope you didn’t miss your thing because of me.”

“I didn’t.In fact, it all worked out very nicely.”

“Really?Where were you going?”

“Goblin committee meeting.”

“Committee meeting?” Jareth scowled.

“How else do you think I got everyone here so fast?”

A red furry horned head appeared over Jareth’s shoulder.“Annual AGM,” Ludo growled.

“Enough!Everyone out!” Jareth shooed them away and turned back to Lister and Rimmer, irritated.“I’ll send you back to your damned ship.But when things get hard, just remember what you could have had.Remember what I offered you.”

“Instead of throwing unwanted gifts at strangers, maybe you should focus on what _you_ need,” Rimmer sniped.“Starting with a hairbrush and some sensible trousers.”

“He’s right, you know,” Lister said.“The leggings are a bit much, man.You want to leave something to the imagination.”

“Better yet, if you really wanted to help, you could do some fancy magic and send our ship back to earth,” Rimmer pointed out.

Jareth glared at them.“I move the stars for no one.” He snapped his fingers.

The bubble burst in a firework of golden sparkles.Lister and Rimmer found themselves falling slowly through the air in darkness, still hand in hand, until at last a light glimmered in the distance.It grew and grew, surrounding them until...

“Sirs?Sirs?”

Lister blinked.They were standing in the doorway of the sleeping quarters.Kryten was looking at them quizzically.“Are you okay, Sirs?”

Lister leaned on the doorframe for support.“We’re back.Thank god.How long were we gone?”

“Gone?I wasn’t aware you’d gone anywhere.Mr Cat just sent me down to hurry Mr Rimmer along for his shift.”

“So, everything’s as it was?We’re back to where we were when we left?” He looked to Rimmer for confirmation.

“What are you going on about, Lister?” Rimmer looked at him blankly.

Lister was speechless.“You don’t remember?You don’t remember any of it?”

“Any of what?”

“The goblins?The castle?David smegging Bowie prancing around in knee-high boots?”

“Oh my god, stop banging on about that damn film, Lister.Yes, movie time is over, and it’s back to work.I’ll see you later.”He walked away briskly down the corridor.

Lister watched him go, unsure if what he felt was relief or sorrow.Kryten patted his shoulder.“Never mind, Sir.We’ll all watch another movie together tomorrow, how about that?What about _Return To Oz?_ You like that one.”

Lister blanched.“Definitely not.”

He retreated back into his quarters and flopped down into the bunk, disorientated.He couldn’t believe he’d been through all of that, including playing Spider-Man around a 200ft tower, just to rescue Rimmer and the ungrateful git didn’t even remember.Why had he even bothered?Had any of it been real?Had he imagined the whole thing?Was it just a very brief intense hallucination?And if so what did it all mean?

_It's a modern fairy tale about responsibility, awakening sexuality, and the importance of courage, loyalty and friendship._

Okay, well he’d certainly learned a lesson or two about some of those things in the course of his adventure.But awakening sexuality?He didn’t think Jareth’s scandalous leggings had awakened anything in him, other than mild amusement.

As he was ruminating, a single shimmering bubble floated through the room.He sat upright, staring at it, not quite believing.He didn’t dare touch it.He didn’t have to.It drifted down and settled on his knee.As it landed, instead of bursting, it became solid and heavy and rolled down into his lap.Lister lifted the crystal with a trembling hand.

Inside it, he saw Jareth again.“Are you really sure he’s worth it?”And then Lister saw himself, his hand tightening around Rimmer’s.“Yeah.”Only this time, he saw the look on Rimmer’s face as he looked down at their linked hands.

Lister lowered the crystal, and stared at the far wall for a long time.

When he finally joined Rimmer in the cockpit a little later, he dropped into his seat and spun around with a smile.“I’ve got a present for you.”

“A present?”

“Catch!”

Lister tossed him the crystal and he just about caught it in fumbling hands.“Don’t throw it at me!What is it?”

“Just a crystal,” Lister recited, “nothing more.But if you look into it this way, it will show you your dreams.”

Rimmer lifted it up and eyed it curiously.“Where did you get this?”

“You’ll remember soon enough.”

“Why are you being so cagey?And why are you giving it to me?”

Lister smiled strangely.“Because,” he said, “you remind me of the babe.”

“What babe?”

“Never mind.”

Lister turned his chair around.Rimmer was undoubtedly a smeghead but, as he’d told Poggle, he was _his_ smeghead.And although he’d never really noticed before now, he actually was kind of a Babe.


End file.
